Mother (Almost Never) Knows Best: If: An Ode to the Mother

Sunday, 18 November 2018

If: An Ode to the Mother


If you are familiar with Kipling's poem "If" where he describes the attributes required to be a grown up then I can only apologise. I have pillaged his fine verse and manipulated it to describe the attributes required to be a mother... 

If you are a member of the PTA or NCT, I do apologise. You are lovely people really. 



If you can't keep your head when mums about you   
    Are losing theirs and terrifying you,   
If you can't cope when your NCT doubt you,
    And make no allowance for their choice too;   
If you can wait - but be so tired of waiting,
    And make up lies -  but not be duped by lies,
Or have mated, but can't mind ever mating,
    And never look good, nor ever be wise:


Never look good

If you can't dream, when passed out on the pillow;   
    If you can't think— yet are always on, go!   
If you can't face the PTA once again
    And yet treat those impostors just the same;   
If you can't bear to hear your clich├ęs spoken
    Uttered despite promising to be "cool",
Or watch the things you have treasured be broken,
    And stoop to pick ’em up. Life can be cruel!


A dreamless sleep

If you can ignore the big heap of washing
   And rake through it for a top without sauce, 
And fail, leaving the house filthy for shopping
    And whilst dreading bumping into your boss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To answer cries in the dark around two,   
And stay awake when there's nothing left in you
    But the sheer need to protect this life, new.


New life

If you have the will to "pretend" one more time, 
    Or watch as food coats the walls where hands touch,
If dealing with the toddler poop now seems fine,
  And midnight vomit is much of a much. 
If all of your clothes either stretch or "control", 

    Your unwashed hair is scraped back in a bun;
If you can quote all six of the Paw Patrol, 
    Whilst navigating the morning's school run,   
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   
    And—which is more—you’ll be a stressed out Mum!


Oh the stress... 

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